Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
