At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
