Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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