I accidentally burped into my bong.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
