Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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