dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
