Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
