do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
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I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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