If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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