I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
