My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
