he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
