Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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