just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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