Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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