You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
