and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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