Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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