i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
