I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
