i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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