I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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