and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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