I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
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Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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