get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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