My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
