I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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