Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
