I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
