Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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