I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
