ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
