No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
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Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
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My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am