He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
