all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
