he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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