the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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