Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
