I wish my penis had an off switch
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
