I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
