Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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