At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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