Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
