and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
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The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
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You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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