I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
No I am not eating basil off your cock
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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