Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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