Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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