I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
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She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
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At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
last night I used snow as a chaser
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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