Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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