did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
