i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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