Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
