Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
