I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
