saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
